If asking yourself “Why am I single?” has become a daily occurrence for you, we have the advice to help turn your love life around.
While we can’t claim to be a fairy godmother and wave our magic relationship wand (how nifty would that be?!), we can provide insight into possible reasons why you may be struggling to find love.
If you can get a better grip on what it is that’s standing in your way to a storybook romance, then you just might be able to increase your chances of finding prince or princess charming.
Is that enough fairytale references for you?
Good, let’s get into the real talk.
11 (Likely) Reasons Why You’re Still Single
Wondering “Why have I been single for so long?” is perfectly normal, but it only serves a purpose if you can work out what needs to change to improve your luck, which is obviously why you’re here.
While every situation is different and there are plenty of nuances to why you might be single, and we’ve picked out the top 11 reasons.
See if any of them resonate with you…
- You’re too defensive
- You’re attracted to unhealthy dynamics
- You have a fear of intimacy
- You’re being too picky
- Your self-esteem needs a boost
- You’re not good with romantic competition
- You’re stuck in a routine rut
- You’ve got too many rules
- You’re not dedicating enough time
- You’re too attached to your freedom
- You’re too honest about your flaws
Reason 1) You’re Defensive When Meeting New People
It’s totally normal to feel a bit cautious when meeting new people, especially if you’ve been hurt before.
But if you’re too closed off or defensive, it might come across as unapproachable — even if that’s not what you mean to show.
Sure, being guarded can feel like a way to protect yourself from getting hurt, but it can also make it harder to build real connections.
Reason 2) You’re Attracted to Unhealthy Relationships
If you keep finding yourself drawn to unhealthy relationship dynamics, it might be time to take a step back and think about how that’s holding you back from finding real, lasting love.
If you’re always going for the “bad boy” or other toxic partners, ask yourself: are these patterns keeping you stuck?
These kinds of relationships might feel exciting at first, but they often lead to drama, emotional pain, and starting over again and again.
Reason 3) You Have a Subconscious Fear of Intimacy
Fearing physical or emotional intimacy, even subconsciously, can make it really tough to build meaningful relationships.
The tricky part? Most people don’t even realise they’re dealing with it.
This fear often comes from past experiences, such as:
- A rough breakup
- Childhood trauma
- Picking up patterns from unstable relationships, like being too clingy or too paranoid
Over time, it can lead to things like self-sabotage, avoiding deep connections, or struggling to trust others.
A good therapist gives you a safe space to unpack your past and figure out how to rewrite those patterns. They can also help you learn healthier ways to approach intimacy and build trust.
Reason 4) You’re Too Picky About the Person You’re Looking For
Having standards is absolutely important when it comes to dating. Knowing your worth and what you want from a relationship can help you avoid settling for connections that don’t truly fulfil you.
However, being too picky can become a major roadblock.
If you focus too heavily on finding someone who ticks every single box on your list, you’ll likely struggle to find anyone who fits such rigid requirements. Remember that nobody’s perfect — including you.
Learning how to compromise doesn’t mean lowering your standards; it means recognising that meaningful relationships are about accepting and appreciating each other’s flaws, not chasing an unattainable ideal.
Reason 5) Your Self-Esteem is Holding You Back from Success
If your confidence has taken a hit, it might be holding you back in your dating life.
Low self-esteem often leads to self-doubt, making it harder to put yourself out there or really connect with someone.
And that can quickly turn into a cycle — feeling stuck because things aren’t going well, which only makes you feel worse.
Breaking out of this loop starts with focusing on yourself.
Think about what makes you feel good. Maybe it’s diving into a hobby, practising mindfulness, or spending time with people who lift you up.
Reason 6) You Have a Fear of Competition in Love
The dating scene can undoubtedly feel like a battlefield at times, with plenty of fierce competition for potential partners.
If you’re not ready to compete with others who may be vying for the same person’s attention, it can be difficult to make significant progress.
Finding love requires a certain level of determination and passion.
As Cheryl Cole famously sang, “you’ve got to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love.”
This doesn’t mean changing who you are but rather being prepared to step out of your comfort zone, put yourself out there, and give it your all.
Believing in yourself and showing that you’re someone worth fighting for can make all the difference.
Reason 7) You’re Stuck in the Routine of Your Life
When you’ve been single for a while, it’s easy to settle into your routine. You know how your week goes…work, hobbies, hanging out with friends…it all feels natural, like clockwork.
And hey, there’s nothing wrong with that! But sometimes, those routines can make it harder to let someone new into your life.
The idea of shaking things up for dates or a partner might feel overwhelming or even a little unappealing.
The thing is, relationships need flexibility, and making space for someone else is part of the deal.
Reason 8) You’ve Made Too Many Rules in the Name of Standards
Having rules about the type of person you want to date or the behaviour you’ll accept in a relationship is a good thing, but if you have too many rules, it can be impossible for anyone to stick to them all.
If you think you have too many rules for a potential partner to follow, try to narrow them down to the ones that are most important to you.
For example, you might want a partner who works 9-5 so you have the full weekend and evenings together instead of someone who does shift work. That’s a reasonable rule.
If you have rules about only dating a GP, you might want to relax that rule a bit to give yourself more of a chance at finding love.
Reason 9) You’re Not Willing to Dedicate the Time to Love
Finding love takes time and effort, so if you’re not willing to put that in, you’re not going to get much out!
Not only do you need to make the time to organise and go on dates with potential partners, but you also need to make the time to be consistent with someone when you’re messaging or exchanging phone calls.
If you don’t have the time to date, you don’t have the time for a relationship, so you’ll stay single.
With Wisp, we take the endless back and forth of modern dating apps and throw it in the bin. No one’s got time for that!
Instead, we focus on setting up dates in person, so you can focus on getting to know each other instead of building up notifications and a dreary message thread.
Get set to meet and download the Wisp app today!
Reason 10) You’re Not Willing to Give Up the Freedom of Being a Singleton
The thing is, giving up some of your free time to date also means giving up some of the freedom that comes with being single.
When you’re on your own, you can do what you want, when you want.
When you’re dating or in a relationship, your time isn’t all your own anymore, which can feel like a poor trade-off sometimes.
If you’re still enjoying the freedom of being single, embrace it and have fun. If you’re not sure the freedom is worth any loneliness you’re feeling, you’ve got to learn to give up some of it.
Take our free quiz to see if you’re ready to be in a relationship!
Reason 11) You’re Too Quick to Show Your Flaws
We all have flaws — it’s just part of being human. But when you’re getting to know someone new, it’s usually better to let them discover those imperfections naturally over time.
If you lay them all out upfront like a list of cons, it might feel overwhelming and leave a bad first impression.
Relationships are about getting to know each other gradually, building trust and understanding along the way.
By giving it time, you let a potential partner see the full picture — your strengths, quirks, and yes, even your flaws — in a way that feels authentic, not like instant deal-breakers.
How to Improve Your Chances of Finding Love
Okay, so now you know what’s holding you back from finding your perfect match, what can you do about it?
If you’re feeling like all hope is lost and you’re going to be single for life, snap out of it. We’re not just here to tell you what’s wrong with you; we’re here to help you fix it, too!
Here are our top tips for improving your chances of finding love…
Ask Your Friends How to Be More Approachable
If you’re struggling to connect with people on dates, the first port of call should be your friends (and we mean your real friends!).
Asking your friends how they think you can make yourself more approachable can be really helpful.
If they’re honest, they’ll tell you how you can come off sometimes and perhaps give you tips on how to improve things.
Obviously, this only works if you have friends who are going to be honest with you.
Just remember not to take things too seriously. They see these flaws and still love you anyway!
Lower Your Standards for Romantic Partners
It’s important to recognise that sometimes your standards might be just a little too high.
While it’s great to have an idea of what you’re looking for in a romantic partner, it’s equally important to allow for some flexibility.
Nobody’s perfect, and the idea of a “dream partner” is often just that — a dream.
This doesn’t mean you should lower your standards to the ground or disregard your core values, but having some leeway can open up opportunities to connect with amazing people who might not tick every single box on your list, but can still make you incredibly happy.
Work on Your Self-Esteem
They say you can’t expect someone to love you until you love yourself, and while we find that phrase a little icky, there is some truth to it.
If your self-esteem is so low that you don’t think you’re worthy of being loved, it’s going to be really hard to successfully navigate the dating scene.
Take some time to work on yourself and remind yourself that you deserve to be loved and to find happiness.
Am I Better Off Single?
Dating can feel like a total drag sometimes, especially after a string of awkward dates.
You know the ones; awkward silences, different expectations, or just no spark at all. It’s enough to make you think being single might be the way to go.
And honestly, being single is way better than being stuck in a toxic or unhealthy relationship.
Your happiness and well-being should always come first, and settling? That’s a hard no.
But if you’ve been thinking about dating again, maybe it’s time to ask yourself; how fulfilling is your single life really?
How to Make Single Life Better
Here are some ways you can make being a singleton more fulfilling and interesting while you’re between relationships:
- Pursue your passions
- Focus on strengthening friendships
- Focus on personal growth
- Do some solo travelling
- Set personal goals
How to Break Your Dating Drought With Wisp
Ready to jump back into dating? Stop asking “Why am I still single?” and be proactive!
Wisp’s got your back.
Forget the ghosting, drama, and endless swiping, Wisp is all about developing real connections and serious relationships.
Take the stress out of modern dating and focus on meeting genuine people who want the same things you do. It’s your chance to date with purpose and find the relationship you’ve been looking for.
Get set to meet and download the Wisp app today!
FAQs
Is It Normal to Be Single for a Long Time?
Yes, it’s completely normal to be single for a long time.
Everyone’s journey is different, and being single can be a valuable period for self-growth, exploration, and understanding your needs before entering a meaningful relationship.
Is Being Single at 30 a Red Flag?
No, being single at 30 is not a red flag. It reflects personal circumstances, priorities, or timing.
Many people thrive in their 30s, focusing on career, self-development, or waiting for the right person to build a meaningful connection.
Is It Smart to Stay Single?
Staying single can be a smart choice if the alternative is to be in a bad relationship. It enables you to build a stronger foundation for future relationships and nurtures independence and self-confidence.
Can Personal Growth Make it Easier to Find Love?
Yes, personal growth fosters self-awareness and emotional maturity, enhancing your ability to connect with others. By understanding your values and goals, you attract compatible partners, making it easier to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.