Last updated: 26/09/2024
Men and women are completely different most of the time, but we’re surprisingly similar when it comes to our turn-offs in a relationship. Understanding what a partner might find off-putting can strengthen your bond and help avoid turning them off.
We’ve all had the ick before, right? Once you spot something that gives you the ick, there’s no going back. Those little habits or quirks they have can really start to bug you.
But it’s not just the small stuff; there are bigger things that can turn you off right from the start.
So, we’ve put together an icks and turn-offs list to help you figure out what you should and shouldn’t do, whether it’s in a romantic relationship or just a friendship.
50 Common Turn-Offs in a Relationship for Men & Women
Using research from Using what we know from the Wild West that is the dating scene, we’ve compiled a list of the most common turn-off examples for men and women when they’re dating or in a relationship. Use this list to make sure you’re on top of your game for your next date.
dating app users, we’ve compiled a list of the most common and biggest turn-offs for men and women when they’re dating or in a relationship. Use this list to make sure you’re on top of your game for your next date.
#1 A Lack of Communication
Without effective dialogue, it’s challenging to comprehend your partner’s needs, desires, or concerns, eroding trust and intimacy over time.
This huge turn-off, therefore, renders a relationship unfulfilling and less satisfying.
#2 Being Dishonest in the Relationship
Dishonesty really shakes up the trust that’s key in any relationship. When a partner isn’t honest, it leads to feelings of betrayal and insecurity because you start questioning the realness and reliability of the relationship.
This can cause ongoing doubt and emotional stress, making it tough for things to flourish.
In short, dishonesty messes with the emotional bond and mutual respect needed for a healthy, lasting connection.
#3 Showing Disrespect for Others
Disrespect can really mess up any relationship. Showing a lack of respect for your partner, other people, or even animals is a major turn-off and can be a sign of deeper issues.
This kind of behaviour can totally wreck someone’s self-esteem and the mutual respect that’s so crucial for a healthy relationship, which could lead to unhappiness and even a breakup.
| Disrespect shows up as… 1. Dismissive attitudes 2. Condescending comments 3. Ignoring boundaries |
#4 Being Selfish With Your Needs & Time
Selfishness is a big turn-off for both men and women. If you’re always focused on yourself and your needs more than your partner’s, that’s not great for building a strong, stable, and loving relationship.
Now, taking some time for yourself or needing space to work on self-improvement is totally fine, but selfishness means ignoring your partner’s opinions and feelings, like only doing things you want to do or going to places you want to go.
This can be a deal breaker for partners who are looking for support and affection. After all, it takes two to tango!
#5 Being Too Dependent on Others
The flip side of being too selfish in a relationship is being too dependent. Most adults looking for a partner want someone who’s on equal footing, someone they can support and who supports them back equally.
This balance goes out the window if one partner leans too heavily on the other for emotional or financial help, which can be a major turn-off.
Nobody wants to feel like they’re mothering their partner (that’s true for men, too!).
#6 Having a Lack of Ambition or Drive
One of the major relationship turn-offs is a lack of ambition. People generally want their lives to go somewhere or have a specific destination or goal in mind.
When a partner is lacking in ambition and has no desire to improve themselves, it’s easy to lose interest.
Be clear about your goals and aspirations, even if they aren’t materialising yet, and your partner can help support you and get you closer.
#7 Displaying Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is a huge turn-off when it comes to romantic relationships for both men and women. Even slightly controlling behaviours can quickly turn into emotional abuse, which is never okay.
If you display controlling behaviours, we recommend seeking advice from a therapist to help you get these behaviours under control.
| If you think you’re in an abusive relationship, charities like Refuge, Women’s Aid, and ManKind can offer help and support. Remember, anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse, and you deserve to get the support you need. |
#8 Being Jealous of Relationships With Others
Jealousy and controlling behaviour often go hand in hand. Your feelings of jealousy can lead to you wanting to control what your partner does and who they see.
No adult wants to be controlled or have to deal with jealous behaviour.
| Symptoms of jealousy include… 1. Constantly checking your partner’s phone or social media. 2. Frequently questioning your partner’s whereabouts or who they are with. 3. Getting upset or angry when your partner interacts with others. 4. Making unfounded accusations of infidelity. 5. Trying to isolate your partner from friends or family. |
We recommend getting help for low self-esteem, which can often lead to feelings of jealousy and related behaviours.
#9 Having a Lack of Empathy
Relationships are all about the emotionally strong connection you share with your partner, and an important part of that is having empathy for them when they’re going through a tough time.
That’s why one of the biggest turn-offs in a relationship is a lack of empathy.
If you can’t feel for your partner, the connection won’t be strong enough to survive life’s ups and downs. You’re supposed to act as the rock for your partner.
#10 Being Unreliable (Especially When It Matters!)
Reliability is key in relationships, and when someone is all over the place, it just leads to frustration and doubt.
If your partner keeps flaking out – like always showing up late, changing plans, or not showing up at all – it can make you feel insecure and shaky about the whole thing.
That kind of inconsistency can mess up the connection and even mess with the future of the relationship. Basically, being unreliable is a major turn-off and just plain annoying.
#11 Having Poor Personal Hygiene
Poor hygiene is a major relationship deterrent for both men and women. It reflects self-care and respect for others.
Bad breath, for instance, is not only gross but can also indicate oral health issues. And nobody wants to kiss a partner with poor dental hygiene.
The same goes for regularly washing, smelling good, and eating well. It’s attractive if you take care of yourself. It’s not so attractive if you don’t!
#12 Being Negative All the Time
Toxic positivity isn’t a good thing, but being overly negative can be a significant turn-off in a relationship. Consistent negativity can drain the joy and positivity out of interactions, creating a pessimistic environment that’s hard to thrive in.
Also, it can foster feelings of stress and discontent, affecting the bond in the relationship over time.
It’s crucial to address issues constructively, maintaining an overall positive outlook to foster a healthy, happy relationship.
On the flip side, if you think your constant negativity is more deep-rooted, talk to someone about it – there may be more going on there.
#13 Being Closed Minded
Being closed-minded is a substantial deterrent in relationships. This attitude restricts personal growth and hinders the ability to understand and accept your partner’s perspectives, ideas, and experiences that may differ from your own.
It may lead to frequent arguments, reduced emotional connection, and a lack of mutual respect, making the relationship feel less fulfilling.
#14 Having a Bad Temper (Especially Aggressively)
For both men and women, having a bad temper is one of the biggest relationship turn-offs.
Not only is a bad temper a hindrance to effective communication, but it can also be a scary situation to have your partner likely to fly off the handle at a moment’s notice.
Being able to keep your temper under control is essential when it comes to nurturing any kind of relationship. And if you really can’t keep a grip on your anger, you should speak to someone about that, too.
| Keep a cool head by… 1. Taking deep breaths 2. Practising mindfulness or meditation 3. Going for a walk 4. Engaging in physical activity 5. Talking it out |
#15 Having Unresolved Trust Issues
Trust issues can significantly hinder a relationship’s growth, leading to suspicion and insecurity. This lack of trust undermines the bond between partners, causing a constant need for reassurance and fostering a tense, unstable environment.
It becomes a big turn-off when the relationship lacks the necessary ease and comfort due to ongoing doubts, fears, and internal barriers.
#16 Being Unwilling or Unable to Compromise
Successful adult relationships are all about compromise. Without it, neither partner will feel valued or heard in the relationship.
It’s essential to find a middle ground that both parties can be happy with and compromise when necessary.
When one partner is unwilling or unable to do this, it can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, making it a big turn-off for both men and women.
#17 Being Inconsistent
Although we’re all human, and we make mistakes or slip from time to time, it’s important to be as consistent as possible in our relationships.
Not being consistent is a huge turn-off for both men and women, as it can make you seem unpredictable and unreliable.
Try to communicate clearly with your partner about any changes in behaviour or schedule to avoid any misunderstandings.
#18 Not Being Appreciative
Not being appreciative of your partner and everything they do for you can quickly become a major turn-off in a relationship.
Everyone wants to feel valued and acknowledged, and if you continuously overlook or take your partner’s efforts for granted, they may begin to feel unappreciated and unnoticed.
#19 Being Too Critical
Some criticism in a relationship is to be expected, especially when it’s a new relationship, and you’re still getting to know each other. However, excessive criticism can be detrimental to a relationship and become a major turn-off for both men and women. Nobody wants to be evaluated like they’re back at school.
Constantly talking about flaws or nitpicking at your partner’s behaviour can wear down their self-esteem and create an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship.
#20 Not Paying Enough Attention
The beauty of being in a relationship with someone is having someone you’re closer to than anyone else. Someone who gives you attention when you really need it.
If you don’t pay attention to your partner, they can begin to feel neglected and undervalued, creating a significant turn-off in the relationship.
Make sure to show your partner that you care by actively listening, being present, and asking questions.
#21 Not Respecting Personal Space
Having someone to be close to and cuddle with is one of the most attractive parts of being in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean that you can disrespect their personal space.
It’s good to have healthy boundaries around when you can be close and when you should respect your partner’s personal space. If your partner feels suffocated or crowded, it can quickly become a major turn-off.
Also, keep the public displays of affection to a respectable level!
#22 Being Self-Absorbed
It’s good to know what you need when you’re in a relationship. However, being totally ignorant of the needs of your partner and being entirely self-absorbed isn’t a good look.
When you’re too self-focused, it’s easy to miss the cues and gestures your partner is making towards you.
In turn, they might feel ignored or that their needs are not being met, leading to a lack of intimacy and potential turn-off.
#23 Having Materialistic Behaviours
This can be a difficult one to gauge, but overly materialistic behaviours can be a turn-off for many men and women.
Not only does it suggest poor financial decisions, but it’s also linked with being shallow (rightly or wrongly!).
It’s a common stereotype that women love shopping and materialistic things, but this isn’t necessarily true, and materialism can become a major turn-off if it’s taken too far by either sex.
#24 Showing Addictive Behaviours
Being an active addict or showing addictive behaviours can be a considerable turn-off for both men and women.
Addictive behaviours can lead to financial instability, emotional neglect, and a lack of connection that’s necessary for healthy relationships.
| Signs of addiction in a partner include… 1. Neglecting Responsibilities: A noticeable sign of addiction is when your partner neglects their responsibilities, like missing work or not caring for children. 2. Financial Problems: Addiction often causes financial instability. Frequent borrowing, unexplained expenses, or constant money issues might signal an underlying addiction. 3. Changes in Behaviour: Watch for sudden changes like mood swings, irritability, secrecy, or shifts in social circles, which may indicate addiction. 4. Physical Health Issues: Addiction can cause health issues. Signs include unexplained weight changes, poor hygiene, or frequent illness. 5. Increased Tolerance & Withdrawal Symptoms: A key sign of addiction is needing more of a substance for the same effect. |
If you struggle with addiction, you should seek help before getting into a relationship.
#25 Bringing Unresolved Baggage
We all have a past, especially as we work towards finding the one. But that doesn’t mean we should be bringing all our baggage to a relationship.
Having baggage in a relationship can make it difficult to move forward and build healthy connections with your partner.
It’s important to work through unresolved issues before getting into a serious relationship, as bringing them in can quickly become a turn-off.
#26 Being Incompatible When it Comes to Intimacy
Sex and intimacy aren’t the be-all and end-all of a relationship, but it’s naive to think that they don’t make up an important aspect of a relationship.
If you’re incompatible sexually, the relationship isn’t likely to work. This often isn’t something that’s your fault; it’s just the way it goes sometimes.
You should never force yourself to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with.
#27 Having a Lack of Maturity
Being fun and goofy can be an attractive quality in a partner at the beginning. However, if there’s no substance or maturity to accompany the jokes and fun, it can quickly become a turn-off for both men and women.
Adults like to know that their relationship is strong and going somewhere. That doesn’t mesh well with acting immature.
#28 Poor Financial Management
Having a poor grasp on your finances is a major turn-off for most adults.
Of course, there are always extraneous circumstances that can explain a temporarily tight financial spot, but being consistently irresponsible with money can lead to a lot of problems down the line.
It’s important to be open and honest about your financial situation in a relationship and work together on finding solutions if necessary.
#29 Excessive Social Media Use
This is a fairly new addition to this list but an increasingly common one! Excessive social media use, especially when you’re spending time together, can be a massive turn-off for many people.
Whether you’re just endlessly scrolling or you’re trying to coerce your partner into doing the latest TikTok trend with you, it’s a major turn-off and just plain bad manners.
| Things are slightly different if you make your income from your social media but expectations of your partner in relation to your content should be discussed in advance! |
#30 Inconsistent Effort in the Relationship
Being inconsistent in the effort you put into the relationship can be such a turn-off. It can make your partner feel like they’re not as important to you or that they don’t matter enough for you to put in the effort consistently.
Relationships take work, and if one person isn’t pulling their weight, it’s not going to be a successful long-term relationship.
#31 Signs of Unresolved Insecurity
We all have things about our looks or personalities that we’re not happy about or confident in. However, significant insecurity can be a massive turn-off for many people.
We’re not talking about having a few body hang-ups. We’re talking about allowing your insecurity to police your partner’s behaviour or constantly positioning yourself as a victim of your insecurities.
| Warning signs of unresolved insecurity include… 1. Jealousy and possessiveness 2. Need for constant reassurance 3. Controlling behaviour 4. Self-deprecation |
#32 Having A History of Unfaithfulness
This can be a difficult one to come to terms with. Having a history of unfaithfulness is often a huge turn-off for both men and women.
Although being open and honest about your past is a sign that you’ve grown and changed, it can sow the seeds of doubt for your partner and make them question your loyalty to them or any relationship.
You can’t change your past, but if you can show the steps you’ve taken to change, like undertaking therapy, it can help things.
#33 Invading Privacy & Trampling Boundaries
There’s a romantic notion that partners shouldn’t have any secrets from each other, but this rarely works in reality.
It’s normal for people to have things they want to keep private, especially at the start of a relationship. If you constantly overstep boundaries and invade their privacy, they’re going to get turned off pretty quickly.
#34 Lack of Personal Growth
One of the big turn-offs both men and women have is a lack of personal growth in a partner.
People change, and it’s important to grow together in a relationship. However, if one partner is stagnant and shows no signs of personal growth or development, it can be a significant deterrent for the other.
#35 Lacking a Sense of Fun & Adventure
Having an appetite for fun and adventure is one of the biggest turn-ons at the start of a relationship. This means that a lack of fun and adventure is likely to put people off.
The start of a relationship is naturally exciting and new, but you need a sense of adventure to keep things interesting in the long run.
#36 Being Emotionally Unavailable
The whole point of being in a relationship is to have someone who’s there for you emotionally as well as physically.
When you’re emotionally unavailable, it can be a huge turn-off for your partner, as they’re not getting the support and emotional connection that’s necessary for a healthy relationship.
| Signs you’re emotionally unavailable… 1. Avoidance of deep conversations 2. Inability to empathise 3 Fear of commitment 4. Constantly busy or distracted 5. Hot and cold behaviour |
#37 Being Overly Competitive
Having a competitive streak can be a great thing, especially when it comes to securing the initial attention of your partner.
However, being overly competitive, especially with the other people in their life, is a major turn-off and causes a lot of drama.
Also, being overly competitive with a partner can lead to constant power struggles and feelings of resentment. Instead, try to focus on teamwork and building each other up rather than tearing each other down in competition.
#38 Being Passive Aggressive About Conflicts
Conflicts and disagreements are always going to crop up in relationships. If you’re passive-aggressive in your attempts to deal with these disagreements, it’s not going to lead to a healthy, happy relationship.
Nothing turns a partner off quicker than being given the silent treatment over minuscule things.
#39 Showing Manipulative Behaviours
It goes without saying that being manipulative will be a major turn-off for your partner. Twisting reality to suit your needs or making them feel stupid to get your own way can quickly turn a relationship sour.
If you think you’re in a manipulative relationship, it might be time to call it quits!
| Examples of manipulative behaviour… 1. Playing the victim to gain sympathy and avoid responsibility 2. Gaslighting to make your partner doubt their own reality 3. Withholding affection as a form of punishment 4. Guilt-tripping to control your partner’s actions 5. Making subtle threats to coerce compliance |
#40 Having Overbearing Family or Friends
Sometimes, the turn-off isn’t technically your fault. Having overbearing family members or friends can really put off a prospective partner.
Of course, you can’t change who your family is, but it’s important to set firm boundaries to protect your partner if you want the relationship to work.
#41 Lack of Commitment to the Relationship
Showing a lack of commitment to the relationship is a surefire way to turn off your partner.
Whether you’re not paying attention to them or you’re not spending quality time together, your partner isn’t going to stick around if you’re not fully in it with them.
#42 Complete Disregard for Feelings & Interests
Another obvious turn-off for men and women is a disregard for their feelings and interests.
When you’re in a relationship with someone, you’re expected to take an interest in their thoughts, feelings, and interests and support them where necessary. If you can’t provide that, they’ll find someone who can.
#43 An Overall Lack of Passion
What is a relationship without passion? Obviously, you don’t have to be tearing each other’s clothes off the minute you get through the door, but keeping passion alive in your relationship is essential.
If you show no passion or desire towards your partner, they’re going to get turned off fast.
#44 Not Acknowledging or Owning Up to Mistakes
Mistakes are often made in relationships. These can be worked through or moved past when you own up to them.
However, if you can’t acknowledge or own up to your mistakes, your partner isn’t going to feel respected, and it’ll be a huge turn-off.
#45 Having Poor Conflict Resolution Skills
In the same way that mistakes happen, conflict also happens in most relationships. If your conflict resolution skills aren’t great, this can lead to a lot of extra stress and tension in the relationship.
Being unable to resolve a minor conflict is going to massively turn off both men and women.
#46 Being Indecisive About Big & Small Things
Whether it’s deciding what to eat or where to spend Christmas, being indecisive is a major turn-off for everyone.
It suggests that you’re not confident in your own decisions and can lead to your partner feeling like they constantly have to make all the choices in the relationship.
#47 Being Rude to Your Partner or Other People
Being rude is a major turn-off for most people, regardless of whether they’re in a relationship with you or not.
This is something that can turn off a prospective partner early into the relationship if you’re rude to service staff on your first date.
#48 Talking Too Much All the Time
While it’s great to be open and share information about yourself, especially on a first date, if you end up talking too much, it can be a huge relationship turn-off.
It’s important to pause and listen to your partner in a relationship, not just monologue about yourself.
#49 Talking About Your Ex
As we said before, we’ve all got a past, but it’s best to leave it there. If you’re constantly talking about your ex, it’s going to be a major turn-off for your partner.
It suggests that you haven’t gotten over them or that your ex is still a significant presence in your life.
#50 Bringing Too Much Drama
For the most part, both men and women just want a peaceful, happy life that they can get on with easily. This means bringing drama to a relationship is a big no-no.
Not only does bringing a lot of drama to a relationship cause stress and anxiety, but it also screams immaturity, which will put a lot of people off.
Why You Should Know What Turns Off Your Partner
Understanding what might turn off a partner is vital for many reasons, such as:
| 1. Fosters Mutual Respect: Understanding what may turn off your partner shows a level of respect and consideration. You are acknowledging their needs and feelings, demonstrating that you value them as an individual. 2. Reduces Conflict: Being aware of your partner’s dislikes can help to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings and tensions. You can prevent disputes before they occur, promoting a more peaceful relationship. 3. Strengthens Trust: By considering and avoiding your partner’s turn-offs, you show that you care about their comfort and happiness. This can help to reinforce trust and openness within the relationship. 4. Enhances Communication: Knowing what turns off your partner can provide a platform for dialogue. Discussing these issues helps create a safe space where both parties feel heard and validated, enhancing overall communication. 5. Improves Relationship Satisfaction: Being aware of what your partner dislikes and making necessary adjustments can enhance the overall quality of your relationship. It can lead to increased satisfaction and longevity in the relationship. |
Turn Off Do’s & Don’ts in a Relationship
Understanding and addressing turn-offs in a relationship is crucial for fostering a healthy, respectful, and fulfilling partnership.
Knowing how to navigate these aspects can enhance both partners’ experiences and strengthen the overall relationship.
| Dos: Communicate Openly: Ensure you discuss your turn-offs and listen to your partner’s icks without judgement. Open communication can help both parties understand each other better and create a supportive environment. Show Empathy & Understanding: Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. If something bothers them, validate their feelings and make a genuine effort to accommodate their needs. Set Boundaries: Clearly express your limits and respect your partner’s boundaries. This can prevent many potential turn-offs and misunderstandings. Be Proactive in Addressing Issues: If you notice something that could turn off your partner, take proactive steps to address it. This shows that you care and are committed to making the relationship work. Regular Check-Ins: Periodically check in with each other to ensure that both partners feel comfortable and satisfied in the relationship. This ongoing dialogue can help to mitigate turn-offs before they become significant issues. |
| Don’ts: Avoid Assumptions: Do not assume that your partner knows what turns you off or vice versa. Always communicate explicitly rather than expecting them to read your mind. Minimise Their Feelings: Never belittle or dismiss your partner’s dislikes or concerns. Taking their feelings seriously shows respect and understanding. Ignore the Issues: Pretending that turn-offs do not exist or are insignificant can lead to resentment and larger conflicts down the line. Criticise Harshly: When discussing turn-offs, avoid being overly critical or harsh. Constructive feedback should be kind and focused on finding a solution rather than placing blame. Resist Change: Refusing to make adjustments or compromises can lead to frustration. Being flexible and open to change is vital for a healthy relationship. |
Summary: Prepare For Your Next Relationship With Finding The One
Before jumping into a new relationship, it’s great to focus on self-improvement.
Working on personal growth, boosting your emotional intelligence, and building self-esteem can give you the tools for a healthy and fulfilling partnership.
This ultimately leads to more satisfaction and helps the relationship last longer.
Find expert advice and tips on the Finding The One blog to help you find lasting love and be the best version of yourself!
FAQs
What Are the Red Flags in a Relationship?
Red flags in a relationship include lack of trust, poor communication, disrespect, constant jealousy, and controlling behaviour. These indicators often signal deeper issues needing resolution for a healthy, lasting partnership.
Is it Normal to Have Turn Offs in a Relationship?
Yes, it is normal to have turn-offs in a relationship. Everyone has different preferences and boundaries. Recognising and respecting these turn-offs can help in creating a more understanding and compatible partnership.
How Do You Talk About Turn Offs in a Relationship?
Address turn-offs in a relationship by approaching the topic with empathy and honesty. Express your feelings calmly and openly, ensuring you listen to your partner’s perspective. Effective communication can help both parties understand and respect each other’s boundaries and preferences.
What Are the Top Turn-Offs for Women?
Top turn-offs for women include poor hygiene, lack of ambition, dishonesty, being overly critical, and emotional unavailability. Women generally appreciate partners who are clean, driven, truthful, supportive, and emotionally present.
What Are the Top Turn-Offs for Men?
Top turn-offs for men include lack of appreciation, high drama, dishonesty, being overly clingy, and poor hygiene. Men typically value partners who are supportive, straightforward, independent, and maintain good personal hygiene.