As you use dating apps, you’re likely to come across potential dates that are weird, rude, or just not your type. That’s part and parcel of online dating, but you might not expect to be on the lookout for narcissists.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can have a detrimental effect on your mental and physical health if things get too serious. You’d be surprised at how many people can fall under the spell of a charming narcissist without realising it, and they’re not the ones to blame. That’s just what a narcissistic person does.
But how do you spot a narcissist on a dating app? And when should you run for the hills?
| How to Spot a Narcissist on a Dating App |
| #1 Their dating profile seems too good to be true |
| #2 They disregard emotional boundaries |
| #3 They constantly seek admiration from you |
| #4 They constantly over-flatter you, then ask something of you |
| #5 Lack of interest in others |
| #6 They want to move to the ‘next step’ too quickly |
| #7 Their stories are pretty inconsistent |
| #8 They’re very surface-level & don’t seek deeper connection |
Understanding Narcissism
Narcissistic behaviour actually goes deeper than someone just being a little self-absorbed or a bad person.
The term ‘narcissism’ stems from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a man who fell in love with his own reflection.
And in psychology, it refers to a personality disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), typically characterised by a lack of empathy for those around them, a grandiose sense of self and self-importance, and a need for excessive levels of attention and admiration.
It’s commonly understood that NPD hides a fragile ego and low self-esteem that’s extremely vulnerable to criticism and rejection behind the charming external mask.
How to Spot a Narcissist on a Dating App
Recognising a narcissistic dating profile is crucial as it safeguards you against potential emotional manipulation and harm.
And how do you spot these profiles from a mile off? We’ve got some of the signs you should look for…
Common Red Flags
Identifying narcissistic traits on dating profiles can be challenging, but there are several red flags to look out for. Some of the most common traits that might identify a malignant narcissist.
| #1 Overly glowing descriptions | Narcissists often create profiles with grandiose language and excessive self-praise. Their descriptions may focus on achievements and talents, appearing boastful or arrogant. Sure, you should bring your best qualities to light. But when a dating profile reads like an exaggerated resume, it’s a darn good sign it’s written by a narcissist. |
| #2 Lack of emotionally revealing information | Profiles of narcissists may lack depth, focusing more on surface-level attributes like physical attractiveness or social status rather than sharing feelings, personal struggles, or past mistakes. |
| #3 Disregard for boundaries | Narcissists may push boundaries by moving the relationship along too quickly, asking deeply personal questions early on, or insisting on communicating outside the dating platform prematurely. |
| #4 Constant need for admiration | They often seek compliments or validation, which can manifest as frequently posting glamorous photos or bragging about their life to elicit admiring comments. |
| #5 Lack of interest in others | Narcissists may talk about themselves extensively but show little genuine interest in others. Their questions might be shallow or designed to turn the conversation back to themselves, rarely engaging deeply with another person’s experiences or emotions. |
Remember, while these signs can indicate narcissism, they are not definitive proof. Always trust your instincts and take your time to know someone before making judgments or commitments.
Between the Lines: Subtle Clues
As well as the more obvious signs, there are subtle narcissist traits and clues that may illuminate a potential narcissist’s true nature.
- Excessive use of ‘I’ statements – Narcissists have a tendency to talk about themselves…a lot. If their profile is filled with ‘I’ statements or the conversations are always about them, it may be a sign of narcissism.
- Lack of reciprocity – Even in the digital space, a lack of reciprocity can be a subtle sign of narcissism. If they’re not showing a balanced interest in your life and experiences, it may indicate a self-centred mindset.
- Instant intimacy – Narcissists often seek to create an instant bond or an intense connection right from the start. If they’re sharing deeply personal information too soon or pushing for a serious relationship prematurely, these could be warning signs.
- Flexibility with truth – If you notice inconsistencies in their stories or they seem to alter facts to make themselves look better, it could be a sign of narcissistic behaviour.
- Excessive flattery – There’s no denying it’s nice to be flirted with and feel flattered, but narcissists often use flattery to get what they want. If they compliment you excessively or seem overly enamoured with you from the start, be cautious!
Why Narcissists Are Drawn to Online Dating
Narcissists are typically drawn to online dating platforms because they basically offer a supply of potential targets for their manipulations, as extreme as that may sound.
They Can Control Conversations
Online dating platforms also allow them to maintain control over their interactions. They can manipulate conversations to suit their needs, avoid topics they don’t wish to discuss, and, most vitally, present themselves in a light that garners admiration and attention.
They know what people are looking for, so they tailor their profiles to fit those expectations.
| Dr George Simon, an internationally recognised expert on manipulators and other problem characters, “Narcissistic charm often plays a key role in relationships that turn out to be abusive and exploitative”. |
It’s Easy to Build Fake Emotional Connections
It’s very easy for them to hide behind a keyboard and feign empathy, too. The emotional labor of dating is significantly reduced, as they can choose when and how to engage with others. This gives them a sense of power and allows them to carefully craft their responses for maximum impact.
Narcissists thrive on this kind of validation and attention. They’ll play the game until they find someone willing to give them what they want – whether it’s admiration, money, or even just a one-night stand.
Not Everyone is a Narcissist, Though…
It’s worth noting, though, that not everyone on dating apps is a narcissist. There’s many more genuine individuals looking for love and connection. It’s important not to let the potential of encountering a narcissist deter you from trying out online dating!
But, still, it’s always important to be aware of red flags and trust your intuition when something doesn’t feel right.
The Dangers of Narcissistic Relationships
Engaging in a relationship with a narcissist can pose severe emotional and psychological risks.
Gaslighting & Manipulation
Firstly, narcissists are known for their manipulative behaviour, often gaslighting their partners to diminish their self-esteem and distort their perception of reality. This can lead to feelings of confusion, incessant self-doubt, and a sense of losing one’s identity.
Emotional Draining
Secondly, the narcissist’s constant need for admiration and validation can be emotionally draining, leading to constant anxiety and a sense of being emotionally ‘used up’. This could result in partners feeling devalued and discarded once they no longer serve the narcissist’s needs.
| According to Dr Norma Scevoli, a consultant counselling psychologist: “Being in a relationship with a narcissist for an individual with codependent traits can be extremely damaging for their mental and physical health. Many victims of narcissistic abuse end up suffering from panic, anxiety, depression, stress, burnout and trauma.” |
Feeling of Isolation
Thirdly, narcissists lack empathy, meaning they struggle to validate their partners’ feelings or offer genuine emotional support, which can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
How to Protect Yourself from a Narcissist on a Dating App
The ability to protect yourself from a narcissist’s manipulations on dating apps is crucial. It not only guards your emotional and psychological well-being but also ensures healthy relationship dynamics.
The Importance of Boundaries
Setting boundaries with a narcissist is paramount. Firm boundaries protect your self-esteem and emotional well-being from harmful manipulation. They ensure balanced dynamics, prevent overstepping, and curtail the narcissist’s tendency to dominate.
Maintaining these boundaries, despite pushback, underpins your self-respect and discourages destructive behaviour, fostering healthier interactions.
When to Walk Away
The best way to protect yourself from the negative effects of a narcissist is to walk away. In other words, run for the hills at any first warning sign. The earlier you get away, the better and easier it’ll be.
Healing & Moving Forward
Healing after a narcissistic relationship involves understanding that you were not at fault, recognising the manipulation for what it was, and gradually rebuilding your self-esteem. The process begins with recognising the narcissist’s behaviour patterns, which you have already learnt to identify.
Acknowledging these harmful patterns is a significant step and can help you understand that the narcissist’s actions were not a reflection of your worth. It’s important to seek support during this time from trusted friends, family or a professional therapist.
Surrounding yourself with positive influences can boost your confidence and help you regain a healthy perspective. Self-care, including good nutrition, exercise, and activities you enjoy, can also aid recovery.
Over time, you’ll regain strength and self-belief, moving forward with increased resilience and the knowledge to spot a potential narcissist in future encounters.
Ready to Start Dating Again?
If you’re ready to take the plunge and finally find “the one”, sign up for the Finding The One app. A dating app dedicated to people who are serious about finding lasting love.
FAQs
Are Narcissistic Women Different From Male Narcissists?
Narcissism in women presents similarly as in men, although research suggests that female narcissists tend to display more covert narcissist traits. This means they may use subtle emotional and manipulative tactics instead of overt displays of grandiosity or aggressive behaviours.
Is a Narcissist Capable of Love?
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can love, but it’s typically self-serving. They might seem genuinely enamoured with you in the early stages, but their feelings are usually superficial. As the relationship progresses, they might become self-absorbed and may only continue to show affection if it serves their ego. These narcissistic tendencies are more common with malignant narcissists.
What is the One Question to Identify a Narcissist?
While there isn’t a definitive single question to identify a narcissist due to the complexity of the disorder, asking about their views on empathy may provide some insights. Narcissists often struggle with truly understanding and sharing others’ emotions.
However, bear in mind that this doesn’t guarantee you accurately weeding these people out. Understanding narcissism requires considering a range of behaviours and patterns, so it’s critical to look beyond a single question.