Ending a relationship is never an easy process, but it’s made significantly harder when you’re leaving someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). When emotions are used to manipulate you, it can be difficult to know whether your ex genuinely misses you or whether they’re playing a game.
We’ve looked into the classic narcissist behaviours after a break-up to help you understand what they might be feeling so you can move on with your life – because they sure are.
How Do You Know if You Were in a Narcissistic Relationship?
Whether it was one of the triggers for the relationship ending or post-breakup, you’re evaluating your partner’s behaviour and identifying that some things weren’t quite right, you might be coming to the conclusion that you were in a narcissistic relationship.
But how can you be sure?
There’s often a pattern of behaviours and traits that focus on the narcissist’s needs, feelings and desires while neglecting or trivialising your own.
Some of the signs that you were indeed in a narcissistic relationship include:
- Lack of empathy: Your partner shows little or no regard for your feelings, desires, or needs.
- Constant need for admiration: They require excessive admiration and validation from you and others.
- Sense of entitlement: There’s a pronounced expectation of favourable treatment and automatic compliance with their expectations.
- Unrealistic superiority: Boasts about achievements, talents, or attractiveness, often exaggerating these qualities to appear superior.
- Cycle of idealisation & devaluation: Alternates between excessively idolising you and devaluing your worth, often leaving you confused and eager to return to their good graces.
Will a Narcissist Miss You?
No matter what your relationship was like, when you leave a narcissist, you might be wondering whether they’re going to miss you in the same way you miss them.
Because of how a narcissist’s mind works, they don’t feel emotions in the same way that we do. While you might be missing having them around and maybe wondering how they’re doing, they’ll have no such empathy for you.
Instead of missing you like you’re missing them, they might be experiencing some of these typical narcissistic feelings.
1. Missing the Admiration Supply
Narcissists thrive on the admiration and validation they receive from others; it fuels their egos and satisfies their deep-seated need for excessive attention and praise.
When a relationship with a narcissist comes to an end, what they often miss is not the person themselves but rather the steady supply of admiration and approval they were accustomed to, known as the narcissistic supply.
This loss can lead them to experience a kind of withdrawal, as the constant ego boost they received is suddenly gone.
Thus, in the aftermath of the relationship, the narcissist might seem to miss you, but in reality, it’s the loss of the attention and validation you provided that they’re truly longing for.
2. Missing the Relationship Status
For narcissists, being in a relationship can significantly elevate their perceived social status and self-importance.
They often use their partner as a means to showcase their desirability, success, or social standing to the outside world.
The relationship acts as a trophy, embodying their ability to charm and captivate someone deemed valuable by societal standards.
Therefore, when the relationship ends, a narcissist might miss the prestige and envy it elicited from others more than they miss the individual themselves. While they might miss the relationship (for selfish reasons), they don’t necessarily miss you.
3. Narcissistic Injury
Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth is perceived to be threatened or challenged. This can result in feelings of humiliation or vulnerability, deeply wounding their inflated ego.
For narcissists, who often hold a grandiose sense of themselves, any form of criticism, rejection, or perceived slight can trigger this injury.
Consequently, the end of a relationship serves as a significant source of narcissistic injury, attacking their sense of superiority and control.
In the wake of such an injury, a narcissist may seem to miss you, but this is often a complex response rooted in their wounded ego rather than genuine affection or longing.
Their actions may include…
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However, these behaviours are typically driven by the narcissist’s desire to regain control, validate their worth by winning you back, and cure the injury inflicted by the breakup.
How Might a Narcissist React If You Leave?
If you’re in a difficult relationship with a narcissist and you’re considering leaving, you’re probably concerned about how they might react when you break the news to them.
To help you prepare or be more informed, here are some of the most common ways narcissists respond to being broken up with.
Giving the Silent Treatment
When faced with a breakup, narcissists might resort to giving the silent treatment as a form of manipulation and control.
This tactic serves several purposes in the narcissist’s playbook…
- It’s a means of punishment – by withdrawing communication and affection, they aim to make you feel guilty and create a sense of longing in you, hoping that you will seek reconciliation.
- A perceived upper hand in the situation – In their view, by not engaging, they retain control over the interaction and avoid showing any vulnerability or hurt they might be experiencing.
- A tool for emotional manipulation – designed to affect your actions and emotions in a way that benefits the narcissist or restores the balance of power in their favour.
Being Angry
Anger is a common response from narcissists when a relationship comes to an end. This reaction is rooted in their sense of entitlement and a fragile ego that cannot cope with rejection.
For a narcissist, a breakup isn’t just the end of a relationship; it’s a direct assault on their self-image and perceived superiority. They might interpret the breakup as a form of criticism or betrayal, triggering intense anger as a defence mechanism.
This anger serves several purposes:
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Being Jekyll & Hyde
After a breakup, a narcissist can turn into a Jekyll and Hyde character, showing a mix of charming and threatening behaviours. This shift happens because they want to regain control and keep benefiting from the relationship.
The ‘Dr. Jekyll’ side shows through acts of charm, affection, and remorse, using compliments and promises to change to pull you back in. This is a strategic move to use your emotions to reestablish the connection on their terms.
On the other hand, the ‘Mr. Hyde’ side appears when they feel their efforts are failing, leading to spiteful or even threatening actions to intimidate or punish. This moment reveals their true need for control.
This behaviour aims to confuse and keep you from leaving while letting the narcissist switch between personas to maintain their influence. It also forms part of the typical narcissistic abuse cycle.
Engaging in Hoovering
| “Hoovering” is a manipulation tactic straight out of the narcissistic abuse book, named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, to “suck” their victims back into a relationship with them. |
After a breakup, an individual with narcissistic personality disorder might employ hoovering tactics, including excessive compliments, apologies, and promises of change, to regain control and reinstate the relationship.
This behaviour stems from their need for attention, admiration, and validation, which they feel deprived of post-breakup. It serves to satisfy their ego by demonstrating their power to affect and control their ex-partner’s emotions and decisions.
Hoovering is not about genuine affection or remorse; rather, it’s a calculated attempt to re-establish dominance and ensure a continuous supply of the emotional nourishment they crave.
The Bottom Line: Narcissism & Emotional Connection Don’t Go Hand in Hand
The painful truth is that narcissists are difficult to forge genuine emotional connections with, which dooms a relationship from the start.
Understanding and navigating a breakup with a narcissist requires recognising their behaviours and the impact they have on emotional connections. While it’s challenging, you can detach and heal from such a relationship to pave the way for genuine emotional connections in the future.
To find out more about narcissists and dating, check out our post diving into 7 Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact.
FAQs
Do Narcissists Know They Are Hurting You?
Narcissists may recognise that their actions cause pain, but their lack of empathy and overwhelming focus on their needs often overshadows any concern for the harm they inflict. Their self-centred worldview justifies their behaviour, making them believe that the ends justify the means.
Does a Narcissist Regret Losing You?
A narcissist might regret losing you, but primarily for the loss of attention, admiration, and the control they had over you rather than for you as a person. Their regret is often rooted in their own needs and ego rather than a genuine appreciation and love for the individual they lost.
Do Narcissists Care if You Move On?
Narcissists may appear upset when you move on, but it’s usually because it reflects poorly on them or interrupts the admiration and control they enjoy. Their concern is not for your happiness but for how your actions impact their self-perception and the supply of validation they receive.
Do Narcissists Get Heartbroken?
Narcissists can experience what resembles heartbreak, but it’s often more about the bruise to their ego and the loss of control rather than the emotional pain from losing a loved one. Their “heartbreak” is usually tied to selfish concerns rather than genuine affection for the other person.