Knowing how to properly play hard to get can save you from scaring off genuine potential partners.
We’ve all seen it in the cliche romcoms, where the main character plays hard to get and eventually wins over their love interest (Clueless is our fave example – “You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.”).
But does this actually work IRL?
Well, there’s certainly a fine line between playing hard to get and just coming off as uninterested or rude.
If you play the game a little too well, you’ll end up pushing people away instead of attracting them.
What you’re trying to do here is create a bit of mystery about yourself, encouraging a cat-and-mouse game that leaves your love interest wanting more. Not to the point where they’re fed up of messing around, though.
So, how do you get someone to pine after you like Cher did with Josh?
Here’s our guide on how to play hard to get…
In This Guide:
- What is Playing Hard to Get?
- Does Playing Hard to Get Work?
- How to Play Hard to Get the Right Way
- Do Guys Play Hard to Get, Too?
- So…Should You Play Hard to Get?
- Key Takeaways: Is Playing Hard to Get a Winning Relationship Technique?
- FAQs
What is Playing Hard to Get?
Playing hard to get — it’s that classic dating move where you act less interested than you really are.
You might ignore texts, delay your replies, or even cancel plans last minute.
The whole idea is to make yourself seem less available so the other person feels more drawn to you and tries harder to get your attention.
Why Do People Play Hard to Get?
People play hard to get for all kinds of reasons, usually tied to psychology or personal experiences.
Some do it because they think it makes them seem more desirable or exclusive. Others use it to test how interested or serious the other person is.
“Playing hard to get makes it seem as if you are more in demand — we call that having higher mate value”
– Harry Reis, Professor of Psychology & Dean’s Professor in Arts, Sciences & Engineering at Rochester University [source]
Society often tells us that being too available comes off as desperate, so people try to act a little more reserved or hard to read.
Whether this actually works, though, really depends on the personalities and expectations of everyone involved.
Does Playing Hard to Get Work?
So, playing hard to get is common, but does it actually work?
People seem pretty divided on this one.
Some say it adds excitement and mystery, making the whole “chase” more fun. Others feel it’s a bit manipulative and could end up scaring potential partners off.
It’s important to find a balance and not go overboard with playing hard to get. It should be used sparingly and in moderation in order for it to be effective.
It’s important to consider that every individual is different and may interpret playing hard to get differently. What may work for one person may not work for another.
How Does Playing Hard to Get Work?
There are a few ways that playing hard to get can make you more appealing to the person or persons you want to date.
Here are some of them…
| Tactic | Effect |
| Creates mystery | Increased curiosity and investment |
| Increases perceived value | Makes the person seem more desirable |
| Builds anticipation | Makes interactions more exciting |
| Generates challenge | Enhances attraction for some |
| Encourages effort | Increases emotional investment from the pursuer |
| Test interest levels | Reveals the genuineness of the other person’s interest |
Is Playing Hard to Get Just Playing Games?
Playing hard to get can feel like playing games, but it really comes down to intent and how you go about it.
If you’re trying to control or trick someone, that’s a bit manipulative.
But if you’re just taking your time, keeping your standards, and not rushing into things, it’s more about setting healthy boundaries.
The main thing is to stay mindful of the other person’s feelings and avoid causing unnecessary confusion or hurt.
How to Play Hard to Get the Right Way
So, if it’s such a finicky tightrope to walk, how do you play hard to get without being too hard to get?
Here are some tactics that work, without being a jerk…
| ‘Hard to Get’ Tactics | Example… | Why It Works |
| 1. Be Warm, But Not Always Available Let them know you’re interested, but don’t always drop everything to respond. | Take your time to reply to messages, especially early on. Keep your tone friendly and engaged when you do respond. | You show that you value your own time while still signalling genuine interest. |
| 2. Prioritise Your Own Plans Don’t cancel your existing plans just to see them. If you’re busy, let it stand. | “I’ve got something on that night, but I’d love to catch up later this week.” | You come across as independent and confident, two traits that are highly attractive. |
| 3. Be Selectively Vulnerable Avoid oversharing too soon. Keep conversations engaging but a little mysterious. | Answer personal questions thoughtfully, but don’t reveal everything at once. | It builds intrigue and makes them want to learn more about you. |
| 4. Let Them Initiate Sometimes If you’re always the one reaching out or making plans, take a step back. | Hold off on texting first for a couple of days and see if they come to you. | It creates balance and encourages mutual effort. |
| 5. Flirt Without Over-Committing A little teasing or humour goes a long way, especially when paired with confident body language. | Compliment them lightly, but then shift the focus elsewhere. | It keeps things fun and light while still showing you’re interested, just not desperate. |
| 6. Keep Living Your Life The most attractive people have something going on outside of their love lives. | Post about your hobbies, goals, or weekend plans (but not in a braggy way). | It shows you’re fulfilled on your own, and they’ll want to be part of that energy. |
Do Guys Play Hard to Get, Too?
While people often assume it’s women who play hard to get, guys do it too, often for very similar reasons.
For some men, it’s a way to spark interest and admiration by coming off as a bit more elusive and mysterious — you know, the tall, dark, and handsome type.
Even though men are often seen as the ones who go after what they want in dating, flipping the script can add a little intrigue and excitement to the whole process.
By playing hard to get, some guys hope to create a sense of challenge and intrigue, making themselves seem more attractive.
But, just like with women, if it’s overdone, it can totally backfire and leave the other person feeling confused or losing interest.
Is He Playing Hard to Get or Not Interested?
Figuring out if a guy is playing hard to get or just not interested can be tricky, but consistency is a big clue.
If he pulls away sometimes but still makes an effort, like starting conversations or showing interest in your life, chances are, he’s just playing hard to get.
But if he’s always distant, dismissive, or unresponsive, he’s probably not that into it.
Pay attention to his actions over his words — someone who’s truly interested will show it, even in small ways.
And trust your gut! If his behaviour leaves you feeling unsure or like the connection is one-sided, it might not be worth your time.
So…Should You Play Hard to Get?
Deciding whether to play hard to get really comes down to your dating style and the kind of relationship you’re looking for.
For some, it can spark interest and make things feel like a fun challenge.
If you’re looking for a relationship where the chase is part of the fun, then playing hard to get may work for you.
If you like the desirable and confident type, then this can also be a way to attract their attention. Or if you’re dating just to have a bit of fun, and you’re not overly worried about it possibly not going your way, then go for it.
Maybe Not for Serious Daters…
But if it’s a more serious relationship you’re hoping for, we might suggest playing hard to get isn’t the best route to go down.
Lots of people don’t have the time or energy to spend on a long game of cat and mouse.
And it’s important to remember that not everyone enjoys the chase. Some people prefer straightforward communication and honesty.
At the end of the day, just go with what feels right for you, but don’t forget to consider the other person’s feelings too!
Key Takeaways: Is Playing Hard to Get a Winning Relationship Technique?
Playing hard to get can definitely grab someone’s attention — it adds a bit of mystery and challenge.
But…it can also backfire big time, leading to misunderstandings or even pushing people away.
Instead of playing games, why not focus on improving yourself and building confidence?
Not to be that person, but when you’re happy and secure in who you are, you’ll naturally be a little more selective and less available, which can be super attractive without all the drama.
Find more dating tips and advice to improve your love life on the Wisp blog!
FAQs
What is the Psychology Behind Playing Hard to Get?
Playing hard to get works because it taps into psychology tricks like the scarcity effect and effort justification.
When someone seems less available, they can come across as more valuable and interesting. It adds a bit of challenge and anticipation, which can make them more attractive and keep people emotionally invested.
Is Playing Hard to Get More Successful as a Woman?
Yes, studies show it can work better for women sometimes because of societal norms and expectations.
But really, it all comes down to the situation, personalities, and whether there’s a real connection, not just playing hard to get.
Does Playing Hard to Get Help You Find Love?
Does playing hard to get help or hurt? It’s a bit of both. People often want something more when it’s not easily available, which can create urgency and increase their desire.
However, it can backfire if done wrong, making you seem disinterested and causing them to lose interest.
Does Playing Hard to Get Make You More Attractive When Dating?
Keep things interesting by taking your time to respond — there’s no rush.
Keep your messages fun and engaging, sharing just enough without giving away too much.
It’s all about balance; stay intriguing without seeming aloof or overly eager. That way, you’ll spark curiosity and build a genuine connection.
How Do You Play Hard to Get Over Text?
Eventually, we all run out of things to say, even if we’re talking to our closest friends or family members! At some point, the conversation will run its course.
It’s important to recognise when to leave the conversation. You can always pick it up tomorrow, but texting a person 24/7 won’t build the connection you think it will.
If you want some help recognising when to press pause on a convo, head to our blog post above!
How Do I Play Hard to Get After Being Clingy?
Start by creating a bit of space. Pull back gently without ghosting. Focus on your own life, hobbies, and goals to shift the energy.
Let them initiate contact sometimes, and avoid double-texting or seeking constant reassurance.
When you do interact, stay warm and present, but a little more reserved. This shows confidence and rebalances the dynamic without being cold or distant.