What is Fexting: The Guide to Fighting Over Text

There’s a new word to add to the list of weird and wonderful dating terms: fexting. But what is fexting exactly, and why do you need to know about it? 

Well, it could actually be seriously damaging your relationship, and you don’t even know it.

In this guide, we’ll discuss all things fexting, including why it’s not recommended, how to recognise when you’re doing it, and tips on doing it because, let’s face it, it’s inevitable.

In This Guide:

• What Does Fexting Mean & Why is it Not Recommended?
  • The Pros & Cons of Fexting with Your Partner
    • Pros of Fexting
    • Cons of Fexting
• 5 Signs You're in a Fext-Sesh
  • 1. You're on Pins Waiting for Your Partner to Respond
  • 2. You Feel Awkward Bringing the Topic Up Face-to-Face
  • 3. Sarcasm & Blunt Responses are a Heavy Theme
  • 4. You Feel Angry & Hurt… & it Shows
  • 5. The Messages are Turning into Paragraphs
• 5 Top Tips on Dealing With Fexting
  • 1. As Seething as You May Be – Try to Take a Moment to Breathe (& Delete the Para…)
  • 2. Use "I" Statements to Keep the Focus on Your Feelings
  • 3. Stay on Topic – Don't Use it as an Excuse to Point Out Dirty Washing on the Floor
  • 4. Try to Limit the Name-Calling (As Tempted As You May Be)
  • 5. Reread Their Texts & Your Own
• How to Stop Fexting & Sort Your Problems IRL
• Are Fights Good for Relationships?
• Fighting Through Text Messages Could be the Reason Your Relationship Isn't Working
• FAQs

Now enough of the cloak and dagger, let’s get into the mysterious fexting, aka, fighting over text, so you and your partner can improve your relationship.

What Does Fexting Mean & Why is it Not Recommended?

Fexting is a term used (and weirdly created by Jill Biden, Joe Biden’s wife) to describe fighting over text.

Oh, you know the one?

Of course you do; fexting is an all-too-common activity for people in relationships. Absolutely unavoidable at times, but also not really recommended as part of a healthy relationship.

The Pros & Cons of Fexting with Your Partner

While there are some benefits to fighting over text, the negatives outweigh the positives on this occasion.

Pros of Fexting

✔ You get to include all your feelings and thoughts in a text that you might otherwise forget in a heated IRL discussion. All points are on the table.

✔ The chances are slim, but you might get to hash everything out and resolve your differences before you see each other.

✔ You don’t have to deal with shouting, talking over one another, and dirty looks.

✔ There’s a written record. Evidence of what you both say during arguments can be extremely beneficial if the same issue comes up again.

✔ You can make your problems known at any time in any place, instead of waiting to be face-to-face after work or at the weekend.

Cons of Fexting

✗ People skim-read and read what they want in a text. This might mean your points are completely missed, or taken as something entirely different, causing a side argument.

✗ Chances are, the argument will continue IRL. Not much gets resolved over text, and if it does, it’ll probably get rehashed at some point.

✗ You feel more free to say spiteful things that, in reality, you don’t mean, but you’re letting your anger loose in the heat of the moment.

✗ Fexting can take up a big chunk of your day, especially if you’re at work or out with friends. It can come across as rude or get you in big trouble with your boss if you’re constantly on your phone.

✗ You can get worked up easily when fexting and the words will just keep flowing without anyone stopping you. This can cause a large amount of distress, resulting in saying things you might regret later.

✗ Your partner has the option to leave you on delivered, or worse, on read. Not only will this make you even angrier, but you might even resort to spam-calling them, which can be seriously embarrassing when it’s all sorted the next day – it’s almost as if we’ve experienced this, right?

@wispdating Thats’s a level of suspicious I don’t need in 2024 #Meme #fyp #foryou #fypシ #uk #datingapp #comingsoon #love #relationships #funny #lol #online #cardib ♬ original sound – Wisp – Get Set to Meet

✗ Privacy issues. Remember, digital footprints are real, people. Whatever you say over text has the power to get out there for all to see. 

✗ On a serious note, sometimes you might have the urge to respond to a text while driving, especially if your partner has replied to an important text. We need to remind you that texting while driving is illegal and can cause serious harm to yourself and others. If you need to respond, when it’s safe, pull over and respond when you are parked and your car is off.

5 Signs You’re in a Fext-Sesh

Oh, so you and your partner don’t fext? You’re probably wrong.

Fexting is common in all relationships, not just because it’s the default, but because it can feel vulnerable to bring up a topic that could lead to an argument with your partner face-to-face.

If that sounds like you, you might be a fexter. 

Here are some other signs you could be fexting with your partner.

1. You’re on Pins Waiting for Your Partner to Respond

If you’ve sent a risky text or you’ve brought up a topic that might end in a row, and you’re filled with anxiety waiting for a response, you’re probably fexting.

Equally, if you’re delaying your response to get a reaction from your partner, you’re inviting a fext-sesh, and there’s probably an underlying cause for that.

2. You Feel Awkward Bringing the Topic Up Face-to-Face

Bringing up sore subjects to your partner can be difficult, which is why many couples opt to argue and resolve over text. 

However, subjecting your disagreements to text only will strip out tone, body language, and any sign of empathy, which often makes conflicts worse.

If you’re nervous about talking face-to-face with your partner, we recommend remembering that a real-life conversation will create clarity, a text won’t.

3. Sarcasm & Blunt Responses are a Heavy Theme

If you or your partner send blunt responses to a long, meaningful text, or offer sarcasm instead of empathy, you’re fexting.

Even if you don’t mean to fight over text, being blunt and using sarcasm to respond to something serious invites an argument, especially if the other person is having a bad day.

4. You Feel Angry & Hurt… & it Shows

If you’re feeling upset with your partner’s actions, you’re probably fexting them without realising.

Good on you for trying to wait until you’re face-to-face, but if you’re angry, it can show in your texts (e.g. being blunt, sending certain emojis, or delaying your responses), it’s best to send a message like “I’m feeling a little upset and I’d like to talk it through with you later.”

5. The Messages are Turning into Paragraphs

And then there’s the other end of the spectrum. 

If you’re in a mild disagreement and find yourself sending messages that are getting longer and longer, you’re probably fexting.

While blunt, one-word messages can be considered argumentative, long paragraphs also can.

If you find yourself typing at 50 mph trying to get all your points into one text, the fext-sesh is on, and you need to reconsider your response.

5 Top Tips on Dealing With Fexting

As we said before, fexting, while not recommended, is inevitable. 

In our digital world full of long-distance relationships, long working hours, and less and less people picking up the phone, arguing over text messages can sometimes be the only option.

So, if you and your partner often fall victim to fexting, here are some ways you can minimise the damage.

1. As Seething as You May Be – Try to Take a Moment to Breathe (& Delete the Para…)

It’s hard not to get heated in a text argument, especially if your partner knows exactly how to get a reaction out of you.

But, if it’s a non-toxic, healthy relationship you want, you need to take a minute to collect yourself.

Have 5 minutes away from your phone, delete the 1000-word paragraph you have drafted in your Notes app, and try to gather your thoughts.

When your calm self is back in the room, send your final message and say something like “This is getting too heated to be a conversation over text. We’ll talk more later when we’ve both calmed down.”

And kudos to you if you manage this. 

2. Use “I” Statements to Keep the Focus on Your Feelings

To avoid shifting the entire blame onto your partner, use “I” statements over “you” statements.

For example, “I feel unheard and undervalued” instead of “You never listen and you make me feel worthless.”

This keeps the argument focused on your feelings, as opposed to what your partner is doing wrong, which can cause defensiveness on their end instead of empathy.

3. Stay on Topic – Don’t Use it as an Excuse to Point Out Dirty Washing on the Floor

Unless you want your argument to spiral out of control, possibly spilling over into the next day, we recommend staying on topic of the main issue.

While we understand that sometimes minor issues can be brought to the surface in the heat of the moment, you should do what you can to keep a lid on them.

Not only will this keep the fight focused, but it will also prevent your partner from feeling ‘attacked‘ and turning defensive.

4. Try to Limit the Name-Calling (As Tempted As You May Be)

Don’t say anything you might regret the next day, and don’t say things that can cause the argument to fester.

We know it’s super tempting to blurt out every mean thing you’ve ever thought about your partner, but if you want your relationship to work and the argument to cease, you need to stick to the facts.

Just because you’re fighting over text doesn’t mean your words won’t hurt, and being cruel doesn’t get you anywhere.

5. Reread Their Texts & Your Own

Last but not least, before you start your keyboard war, remember to read your texts and theirs at a normal pace, stop the skim-reading, and take everything with a pinch of salt.

How many times have you read too much into a text? Did they use a specific emoji? They must be angry. Or, have you taken what they said completely out of context?

Yeah. It happens to us all.

This is your reminder to read and reread text messages before sending a response.

How to Stop Fexting & Sort Your Problems IRL

If you and your partner are used to fighting over text, it can be hard to get out of the habit and into the habit of getting through your differences while you’re in the same room.

That’s not to say it can’t be done, though. 

Here are some tips on how to stop fexting and start sorting out your differences in real life:

Are Fights Good for Relationships?

The question on everyone’s lips is, “Are fights good for relationships?” 

And while the answer has a few angles to explore, the general answer is yes, they are.

But only if they lead to growth, understanding, and connection, not hurt, silence, and blame cycles.

To understand this fully, below are some examples of when fights can be good for your relationship and when they’re bad. This should help you have better, more productive disagreements with your partner (yes, that’s a thing).

Fighting Through Text Messages Could be the Reason Your Relationship Isn’t Working

Now that you’ve had a crash course on fexting, you and your partner might be able to pinpoint where you’re going wrong if you’re going through a rough patch.

Similarly, you’ll know what to avoid in relationships going forward, because if we haven’t put you off fexting, we don’t know what will.

Remember, resolving your differences face-to-face will lead to improved communication, alignment on your thoughts and feelings, deeper trust, and the list goes on.

If you’re looking for more relationship or dating advice, head to our blog, where we have tons of information on the latest relationship trends and expert tips to help yours flourish.

FAQs

How Do You Check Compatibility Between Two People?

Checking for compatibility is easy; you just have to sit down with your partner and each answer a few questions. If your answers align, it should mean you’re compatible.

If you’re looking for what type of questions you can ask your significant other, scroll to the post above!

Fair warning: It’s not questions like “Do you have the same favourite colour?” or “Do you have the same dream holiday destination?” Nope, it’s a bit deeper than that.

What is Love Vs Compatibility?

Love is the emotional bond you have with someone. It’s what draws you together and keeps the relationship emotionally meaningful.

Compatibility, on the other hand, is how well your lives, values, communication styles, and goals align. It’s about whether you’re heading in the same direction.

You can love someone deeply, but still be incompatible, which can lead to problems over time. Likewise, you can be compatible with someone, but lack an emotional or romantic connection.

That’s why both are important to sustain a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

Can Two Incompatible People Make a Relationship Work?

Technically, yes, but it’ll be hard work.

Relationships need compatibility to thrive. Otherwise, conflicts and differences will constantly take over.

While love can be a strong motivating factor, it’s not always enough to sustain a relationship. Incompatible people will struggle to communicate and understand each other’s needs.

So, while incompatible people who are in love can continue to push through, their different wants, needs, and goals in life are likely to become a huge problem in the long run.

Is Compatibility More Important Than Chemistry?

While chemistry ignites attraction, compatibility ensures long-term harmony. Shared values, goals, and communication form the foundation of a stable relationship. 

Without compatibility, chemistry alone often fades, leaving unresolved conflicts that can hinder a relationship’s growth and sustainability over time.